Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Back to work

I've been back to work for the last week. I'm surprised that it hadn't been too difficult actually. Maybe I was so busy with all the things I had to do in school that I didn't really have time to miss PP. Then again, as Hubb would say," you are only in school for half a day what.. " Really, I think the main thing was that I DIDN'T have time to miss PP. The hours in school were divided between meetings, markings, breakfasts (this I like), pumpings. And the hours just flew by.

I must say that PP has been very well taken care of. I'm glad that he doesn't have any bad habits that are usually associated with kids taken care of by grandparents (due to over-pampering). He sleeps well and feeds fairly well.

Tomorrow is another school day again. I dread having to wake up so early in the morning and drag myself to school. I just do not get enough sleep that I'm usually sleepy by 10-11am in the morning. I still have a lot of work to do in school.. urgh..

I realise that I do like working. I enjoy the kind of stimulation I get from working. I guess it keeps me from becoming stupid. :) It's just that I have I have so little time with PP when I'm working. By the time we get back home, we have so little time to squeeze in playing, and reading to him. Everything has to be done is such a rush. It is either that or we are just too tired to do anything with him by then. I feel very bad when this happens, especially now that PP is becoming so alert and responsive. Sometimes I wonder if we are actually the bottleneck in his development. If we had more time with him, will we be able to read to him more, play with him more, help him in his development more?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Learning to let go

I’ve started bringing PP to MIL’s place to get him used to waking up in the morning and be taken care of by someone else. Actually, I think that the entire process is actually to get ME used to the idea that I am returning to work soon and I have to learn to let go.

I guess it is just every mother’s usual anxiety that their baby is leaving them. I know that it is a little extreme to say that my baby is leaving me (or me leaving my baby). I just can’t help but feel this way. In the last 4.5 month (5 next week), Kieran has been my everything. It’s been Kieran in the morning, Kieran in the afternoons and Kieran in the evenings. Still I want more of him.

Looking at the past few days that PP has been shuttled too and fro, I must admit that he is much more adaptable than I am. Maybe L was right. All he needs is someone to play with him, feed him and change his diapers. Does he still need Mummy? *self-doubt*

I know that he will be well-taken care of by his grandparents, who dote on him (he gets pampered a little more than I would like him to be actually). I guess I have to accept that things may not be done as exactly as I would like, but still, his grandparents will still do their best to make sure that their little grandson is comfortable and happy. I’m glad that there is Anita here, who also loves him and patiently pats him to sleep, changes his diapers and prepares his milk. Yes, I’m sure that PP will be well-taken care of.

With me going back to work, I guess PP can learn to be a little independent too. I don’t think it is too early to instill independence in a child. He will learn that we are here for him whenever he needs us, but he does not necessary need to see us all the time.

Even though I know that Kieran is in good hands, I still look forward to the day that I’ll be able to stay at home and watch him grow. I would love to see him take his first steps, say his first words and also to comfort him when he falls for the 1st time. I remember the exhilaration I felt when I saw him turn onto his front for the 1st time the other night. I wouldn’t want to miss all these.

In learning to let go of PP a little, I also have to refocus on my role as a wife and a partner to my neglected hubby. J I think I’ve neglected him ever since PP was born. It was initially PP all the time as we were trying to figure him out, later it became PP all the time because I couldn’t let him go. It should be L time now. Yes. It has to be this way. We also have to be role models to PP so that he grows up in an environment where he is loved and he sees that Mummy and Daddy are also very much in love.

Maybe it’s really good idea that I return to work for a little while.
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